2011

Hello fellow bloggers , I haven't blogged for a real long time but what can I say words express my inner thoughts better then anything. Within a blink of an eye , 2010 has passed by so far 2011 has brought me nothing but complete and utter sadness. I personally hate change , I don't go well with sudden change what more the fat that 2011 brought me so much change. I feel as if I'm drowning i my own existence , I feel screwed up , I feel useless , I feel unwanted , I feel lonely but at the same time I'm kinda proud of myself. Among the freaking many changes that my screwed up life has brought me is , I got separated from a bunch of people who could literally understand me and I could study with them even though were very playful that's definitely something that changed me completely , its almost like being independent without Julia , Nabila , Amir , Abu I know you're thinking stop being such a drama queen you still get to see them right , but seriously these people have made a great impact in my life , dear God , teacher can you please put us back in the same class? These people being me joy , laughter and sadness. Besides that I'm on the edge of losing someone whom I was so dependent on , fuck me for being such a baby and depending too much on Haris. Right now I feel like a lost dog , no kidding there. Although I know I have my friends his just different hmm or so I thought so in December I told myself this is just a phase his going through don't worry our bond is as tight as ever and nothing could change , I am a dreamer stuck in my own figments of imagination my very own world where everything is fucking magical too bad reality sucks cock. He told me 'people change' yes I believe that but there must have been something to trigger it right? I'm honestly thinking its my fault oh and also I shouldn't have fell that hard for him I knew it was too good a dream to come true , guys will always be fuck heads that's why I'm done playing this silly game called 'love' , I'm in love with my past I have to change that cause its no longer there its the past past past past some reason parts of me can't get it. I'm so ashamed of myself for craving his love but not getting anything , embarrassing yeah I know. I'm still in love with you , the old you not the changed one. Writing this post got me in tears , only God knows how much I love that boy. I should seriously stop crying cause nothing is ever gonna change I have to get that thru my fucked up head my God why the fuck is it so hard. I wish he would just dissapear from my life , not cause I hate him but because I'm too in love with him I can't be in love with some other girls boyfriend can I?Oh wait thats what Hareyka did seems clearly possible but I don't want to be a bad guy ruining other peoples happiness since I know how much it hurts , I speak for near distance experience. If his in love with some other girl fine , guess I just have to swallow the pain suck it up like a real hard as bitch would and move the fuck on.

020310-040111 , ill remember this for as long as I can. I love you Haris , through thick and thin we go baby (: