hell hole

I hate being pressured. I hate being told what to do. I hate being told off for a reason that I don't think makes sense. I'm fifteen , I think i'm old enough to make my decisions. I know how to different shade wrong from right. I know what I want. Maybe I do need a little guidance but you are not to tell me what to do. Don't say I don't know how important this is cause I do. I know this is bloody important and if i screw it like I screwed the previous ones its bad for my future. I know you're only doing this for my sake but please stop pressuring my. I know you're never going to read this but I hope you do cause i'm annoyed. I know what I want. Go ahead use all the baits you have , if I want it bad enough sure as hell i'll work my but off. Do not under estimate me , and don't put your hopes up too high. If you go I might just switch off. Rather then disappointing people I might as well lock myself up in a room and turn into a vampire like you know who. If I can meet your hopes and disappoint you , I think id rather be alone. Then i'll have nobody but myself. I can disappoint myself a hundred of times maybe even thousands of times but thats me. I learn to get over my grief and move on. I pretend like nothing has happened when so much has happen. Imma good actor for that particular part , covering up. Im done a day like this is like thousands of years. I sure as hell sound depressed but not for long. Change is here , imma throw away people that bring me anger , sadness and pain into my life. Imma concentrate on my studies from tommorow onwards. Imma limit my time (excluding twitter , i'm addicted) going online. Imma limit my texting. Imma limit everything. I might even ask my mama to take my phone away. Imma plan things like how I used to do with Liam & Adam. The three of us found it stupid but now I find it useful.May this change stay on for good. Bonda , ,mak , mama , mummy , ma...I wana make you scream out load I wana make you proud. For all the sacrifice you've made in the past , the present and the upcoming sacrifices you're about to make. I'm going to make you're pain worth it even though it'll never be as close as what you've gone through. I think imma cut swearing too. This is it , ini hanya permulaan. Jangan kamu ingat ini kesudahannya padahal ini pembukaan segala yang bagus dengan izin dan rahmat Allah. Kesudahannya tidak akan dapat dilihat , tetapi akan dapat dirasai kelak nanti. It starts now , or maybe tomorrow. I should also stop procrastinating. InsyAllah , segala yang baik akan berkesudahan baik. xx